When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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