I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
