someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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