you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
