Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm like, not good at living.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
