Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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