Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
