the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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