shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am naked and annoyed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
