this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
