when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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