You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
