Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
