Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
