Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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