I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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