remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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