i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
