Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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