Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
