I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
