a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
