pop tarts are not kleenex
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
