I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
