where's my purse there's an important taco in it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you never un-have a 4some
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
