Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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