After last night, I could never be a politician.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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