when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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