You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
