So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
