he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
