it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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