I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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