Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
