Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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