dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize