Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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