I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I will be naked everywhere
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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