Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
