there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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