captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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