WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
