look no pants
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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