the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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