i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
honey bunches of taint.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
