when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
