No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
