I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
