also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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