If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bring me that man meat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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