I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Let's get the cat blown out
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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