Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
