God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
