also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
