I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
