I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
