Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
